I hate being all by myself. i cannot trust myself YET after all this time. i have to be in surround with people or only by some of them. If i’m alone i don’t know where will my mind or emotion get me. They will probably carried me away. I am not strong enough. I cannot fight them YET. i really AM struggling. i tried, and to tell you truth, i didn’t realized that it will be this hard to fought my own mind and emotion for myself. They are killing me but they are me. i NEED to control it. i CANNOT dependent only by the meds. my SOUL have to believe it that i WILL HEAL. that I WILL HAVE A HEALTHY MENTAL AND I CAN THROUGH THIS!
What is the purpose of life?
Is it eating? sleeping? laughing? sadness?
is life equals to what we actually feel or to what we actually do?
What is life?
The biggest question, yet the simplest one, and the hardest to answer. What are we doing in this world? are we here by a purpose? People like me, particularly myself, who tends to overthinking everything and maybe has an anxiety disorder always questioning about everything. i repeat everything. We, the one who is maybe the ‘sensitive’ one, are always questioning about life, and yes, like this moment, keep talking and circling about this.
In this part, i’m kinda confused to use the word either i or we. Just because if i used the word ‘i’, it felt like to statement-y kind of look, and if i use ‘we’, it is more neutral, yet at the same time it feels like a false to make personal thing as a general. But i do believe, that somehow, this phase is a natural thing and everybody in their own time also had or will question about it.
I am 24 years old, at the moment is depressed but already having my meds, is in the phase and in the zone of ‘The Beginning of Understanding Life”. Every little thing i do; the way i move, the way i feel, the way i react, i am measuring it. Before i understand life, i have to understand myself. Before the doctor sentence me with depression, never i had the needs to really aware of what i am. But now, the awareness of myself as a whole; body, soul, mind, feeling, and spirit, is everything that matters. Why i became like this? What are the things that influenced me? Why i got to be influenced by those kind of things? are the repeating questions that always sounding in my mind.
To tell you the truth, i don’t know why i am writing about this. It seems that i don’t have the exact ending or conclusions. But once someone told me that, writing is actually helping to calming ourselves. To let the things out from your mind and became a word, a sentence, a paragraph, maybe even a story, is helping the complicated mind. And for me, yes it is working, and maybe this is my therapy for my anxiety. Maybe.
So, i think this is the beginning.
Yeap, it definitely is. And for now, it is enough.
Will probably continue this activity if suddenly my anxiety strikes. Bye now!
understand life, i have to understand myself. Before the doctor
I used to like to write in my early freshman’s year. It was in Bahasa and it was fun for me for a while. Then I hated it, because all I did in the writing was for finishing my college’s assignments. I never wrote just for me, never did it freely, maybe because back then I never had the time. I hated it a lot, as if I told myself I can’t write, I am a bad writer, I can’t put and arrange what was in my thought to be a full sentence. Then I stopped writing. I know it was a bad decision, and then I became a person that did not have the confidence as I used to be.
This process happened to me for four and a half years, even if I already graduated, I still hadn’t got the confidence back. Not that I never had the confidence, I looked confidence to everyone – I think everyone saw me like that because I intended to look so. But ironically, I never had the confidence only to myself. I was the type of person that didn’t like to be alone. I have a boyfriend and so many friends. And so, either I always went out with him or with my friends, or I told them to come to my house. I was always in crowd and never be alone. So that’s why, the thought of being alone scared me to death. It was scared me enough that I wasn’t fear to the thought of death.
Then in the past couple of months my boyfriend went abroad for some time. Several of my friends went back to their city, and I was here in Bandung, still with some of my friends but not so many as it used to be. Because of it, I did some of my activities alone. Then somehow, I managed to face my fear. I was able to do everything only by myself. And I realized the joy of being alone. I think that everyone should have their some time alone. In that time, I learned so many things, but the most important is I understood more about myself. I become a person that knows what I am doing and what I want to do in some of my time in my life and I have the courage to do it. For example, now I took Bali dance lesson. It is one of the thing that I’ve always wanted to do when I was a student. I never took it. Why? One thing for sure is that it was not because I never had the time to take it, but it was all because I didn’t have the courage. I was always questioning to myself “if you took it, do you have the time to paint?“, “if you took it, do you have the time to finish all the assignments?”, “Do you want it enough only to ask about the dance classes from door to door?”, and so on. This kind of thought I threw away far from myself. I learn that if you want to do something, just do it and take it. Yes, there are always and will be consequences in everything I do. But it brings me joy and happiness because I enjoy it. I enjoy it because I know what I am doing. Not knowing it in theory, but really know it from inside of myself, from the heart.
Now, I feel like I have my confidence back and I can write again. To talk the truth, this is not my first writing since the last four and a half years. This is my second writing. My first writing is actually my Artist Statement. I actually wrote it last week and somehow in that writing I managed to write and I wrote what I want to write. It is about me for God’s sake. I am the person that can understand myself the most. So now, I don’t hesitate myself again. And today, I feel like to write and share this to all of you on Saturday morning at 8.20 AM.
PS: i write this in English, somehow it is easier for me to write especially talking about myself. Writing in Bahasa is actually really hard. I will learn and will gaining my confidence to its fullness so i can write in Bahasa again. After all it is my language, why shouldn’t I?