A lil' pepper in paper

To The Writings That I Have Never Intended To Do

Posted in Awal mula, Duniaku by ayaslarasati on January 17, 2014

I used to like to write in my early freshman’s year. It was in Bahasa and it was fun for me for a while. Then I hated it, because all I did in the writing was for finishing my college’s assignments. I never wrote just for me, never did it freely, maybe because back then I never had the time.  I hated it a lot, as if I told myself I can’t write, I am a bad writer, I can’t put and arrange what was in my thought to be a full sentence. Then I stopped writing. I know it was a bad decision, and then I became a person that did not have the confidence as I used to be.

This process happened to me for four and a half years, even if I already graduated, I still hadn’t got the confidence back. Not that I never had the confidence, I looked confidence to everyone – I think everyone saw me like that because I intended to look so. But ironically, I never had the confidence only to myself. I was the type of person that didn’t like to be alone. I have a boyfriend and so many friends. And so, either I always went out with him or with my friends, or I told them to come to my house. I was always in crowd and never be alone. So that’s why, the thought of being alone scared me to death. It was scared me enough that I wasn’t fear to the thought of death.

Then in the past couple of months my boyfriend went abroad for some time. Several of my friends went back to their city, and I was here in Bandung, still with some of my friends but not so many as it used to be. Because of it, I did some of my activities alone. Then somehow, I managed to face my fear. I was able to do everything only by myself. And I realized the joy of being alone. I think that everyone should have their some time alone. In that time, I learned so many things, but the most important is I understood more about myself. I become a person that knows what I am doing and what I want to do in some of my time in my life and I have the courage to do it. For example, now I took Bali dance lesson. It is one of the thing that I’ve always wanted to do when I was a student. I never took it. Why? One thing for sure is that it was not because I never had the time to take it, but it was all because I didn’t have the courage. I was always questioning to myself “if you took it, do you have the time to paint?“, “if you took it, do you have the time to finish all the assignments?”, “Do you want it enough only to ask about the dance classes from door to door?”, and so on. This kind of thought I threw away far from myself. I learn that if you want to do something, just do it and take it. Yes, there are always and will be consequences in everything I do. But it brings me joy and happiness because I enjoy it. I enjoy it because I know what I am doing. Not knowing it in theory, but really know it from inside of myself, from the heart.

Now, I feel like I have my confidence back and I can write again. To talk the truth, this is not my first writing since the last four and a half years. This is my second writing. My first writing is actually my Artist Statement. I actually wrote it last week and somehow in that writing I managed to write and I wrote what I want to write. It is about me for God’s sake. I am the person that can understand myself the most. So now, I don’t hesitate myself again. And today, I feel like to write and share this to all of you on Saturday morning at 8.20 AM.

PS: i write this in English, somehow it is easier for me to write especially talking about myself. Writing in Bahasa is actually really hard. I will learn and will gaining my confidence to its fullness so i can write in Bahasa again. After all it is my language, why shouldn’t I?


2 Responses

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  1. Yy said, on January 25, 2014 at 11:02 PM

    Ayo lanjutin ayass! \m/

  2. Irwan said, on February 24, 2014 at 9:57 PM

    Hi Friends , Ikutan lomba menulis yuk. Selain bisa menginspirasi lebih banyak orang lagi, juga bisa menang hadiah loh… Untuk Keterangan lebih lanjut, Silahkan baca: http://www.arthinkle.com/articles/detail/kompetisi-menulis-arthinklecom-berhadiah-uang-tunai-total-1-juta-rupiah

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