A lil' pepper in paper

The needs to let it out.

Posted in 1 by ayaslarasati on March 21, 2015

I hate being all by myself. i cannot trust myself YET after all this time. i have to be in surround with people or only by some of them. If i’m alone i don’t know where will my mind or emotion get me. They will probably carried me away. I am not strong enough. I cannot fight them YET. i really AM struggling. i tried, and to tell you truth, i didn’t realized that it will be this hard to fought my own mind and emotion for myself. They are killing me but they are me. i NEED to control it. i CANNOT dependent only by the meds. my SOUL have to believe it that i WILL HEAL. that I WILL HAVE A HEALTHY MENTAL AND I CAN THROUGH THIS!


It Begins.

Posted in Duniaku by ayaslarasati on March 2, 2015

What is the purpose of life?

Is it eating? sleeping? laughing? sadness?

is life equals to what we actually feel or to what we actually do?

What is life?

The biggest question, yet the simplest one, and the hardest to answer. What are we doing in this world? are we here by a purpose? People like me, particularly myself, who tends to overthinking everything and maybe has an anxiety disorder always questioning about everything. i repeat everything. We, the one who is maybe the ‘sensitive’ one, are always questioning about life, and yes, like this moment, keep talking and circling about this.

In this part, i’m kinda confused to use the word either i or we. Just because if i used the word ‘i’, it felt like to statement-y kind of look, and if i use ‘we’, it is more neutral, yet at the same time it feels like a false to make personal thing as a general. But i do believe, that somehow, this phase is a natural thing and everybody in their own time also had or will question about it.

I am 24 years old, at the moment is depressed but already having my meds, is in the phase and in the zone of ‘The Beginning of Understanding Life”. Every little thing i do; the way i move, the way i feel, the way i react, i am measuring it. Before i understand life, i have to understand myself. Before the doctor sentence me with depression, never i had the needs to really aware of what i am. But now, the awareness of myself as a whole; body, soul, mind, feeling, and spirit, is everything that matters. Why i became like this? What are the things that influenced me? Why i got to be influenced by those kind of things? are the repeating questions that always sounding in my mind.

To tell you the truth, i don’t know why i am writing about this. It seems that i don’t have the exact ending or conclusions. But once someone told me that, writing is actually helping to calming ourselves. To let the things out from your mind and became a word, a sentence, a paragraph, maybe even a story, is helping the complicated mind. And for me, yes it is working, and maybe this is my therapy for my anxiety. Maybe.

So, i think this is the beginning.

Yeap, it definitely is. And for now, it is enough.

Will probably continue this activity if suddenly my anxiety strikes. Bye now!

understand life, i have to understand myself. Before the doctor